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[Sep. 25th, 2006|12:04 pm] |
hello friends,
so today is day one of no eating. my body's going to hate me, but what else is new? my life is so fucking black and white that nothing really makes a difference anymore. hopefully i'll just not eat until i visit my boyfriend in four weeks. we'll see how that goes. i've done it so many times before that it's no big thing, i just hope i'm not dick enough to binge one day. tea and diet coke are my saviours. and music. and pills. if i'm fucked up enough to not entirely remember who i am, then i'll be okay. at this point being myself causes spirals of loathing and destruction and garbage. but it's a beautiful sunny day out so at least i can enjoy something. i want people to worry about me again like they used to. i want my face to develop those harsh angles and lines and i want my skin to look pallid and sickly. i want again to have sticks for legs and sharp elbows, and i want to feel my clothes slipping from my body and down my hip bones. i want to hate my mother for making me eat, and i want to be angry with my friends for trying to help me. i want to walk around feeling weak and like i could pass out at any moment, and i want to wake up feeling thinner every day. i want to cover myself up with baggy clothing to disguise my body. i want people to try to force me into recovery again, and i want to be able to tell them to fuck off. i'm so god damn selfish it sickens me. what kind of person wants this kind of horrible attention? i have fucking social phobia and anxiety disorders, why would i want that? i guess it's my eating disorder that wants that. anyways. i'm going to go sulk about things and be sullen towards my mother. peace yall |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|11:38 am] |
Got fat, got angry, started hating myself
Wrote birthday boy for you babe
Now Im skinny and sick and paranoid
Without a cent to my name
- Ween :D |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|06:23 pm] |
today's been a classic fat day. you know...you can feel how fat you are at all times even when you're just standing still and for some reason you're constantly reminded of it. clothes don't fit right, everything's uncomfortable, even music doesn't sound as good. plus i get in a sour mood around my family especially my mother. she always finds a way to tell me how fat i am. and how she wishes i'd "go anorexic" again. hah. i suppose some people would be envious of me for having a mom who isn't breathing down your neck about eating and getting too skinny. but right now i'm nowhere near a "dangerous" weight so i have other fish to fry. i've eaten so much today. and soon i'm going out to dinner and drinks. great. haha i love how so many things that normal people would get excited about terrify me. like going out with friends, going out to dinner, partying. hehe.
peace, i'm out |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|01:25 pm] |
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so. i deleted all my previous entries because my sister found me on livejournal somehow and well obviously most of my posts were of a 'fat' nature so i had to purge my journal. but i'm back and i hate school :) and my mom hid the scale yesterday. grrrrr |
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dancergurl04040's journal